


Pills and Paper

by orphan_account



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Wears Glasses Because Yes, Depression, Eventual mentions of Emma/Julian, Foster Care, Homophobia, Insecure Alec Lightwood, M/M, Past Child Abuse, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-18
Updated: 2017-01-03
Packaged: 2018-05-14 19:43:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,924
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5755879
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Magnus Bane was ten years old when his mother died, and eleven years old when he was put into the foster care system. Since then, he's been moved around more often than he can keep track of. Alec Lightwood was, in the words of his sister, antisocial, and, in the words of himself, failing at life. In the words of his therapist, he was depressed.</p><p>Then Magnus moves in with the family next door to the Lightwoods, and things start to change.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

When Magnus Bane was ten years old, he found his mother hanging from the ceiling with a rope around her neck.

He screamed.

The next few weeks passed by in a blur. He vaguely remembered attending a funeral and being hugged so tightly he almost choked by people with tears streaking their faces that he had never met. They offered their condolences and told him that he was so brave to be holding up so well in such a difficult time. In his own opinion, he wasn’t holding up well at all. He cried quite a lot at night and didn’t do much during the day other than stare at either the wall or ceiling and poke at food that their neighbours brought by. He didn’t reply to them, and they didn’t seem to notice. They were busy moaning on and on about his mother who they never really knew at all, and the only other person who really knew her was his father who refused to give a speech. He sat beside Magnus in the pew of the house of a man Magus didn’t believe in, staring ahead with glassy eyes as if he weren’t actually seeing anything at all.

After that, he could remember things with alarming clarity. He remembered how his father shouted and shrieked at him, shattering any picture frame that displayed his smiling face from it. This went on for weeks, and day by day it got worse. Magnus fought at first. He screamed back at him and thrashed around whenever his father grabbed at him, blunt nails digging into his skin. But then, little by little, he stopped. His father was easily twice his size. He could fight back all he wanted, and all that would happen is he’d end up worse off than if he just took it quietly.

His father blamed him for the death of his mother, said she hung herself out of shame for the fact that Magnus was ever born. He spat out abusive words and tore him down in a way that beating him never could. _I wish you were never born_ turned into _I should have broke your neck before you could ruin our lives_.

Magnus was eleven when he was almost drowned in the bathtub.

He had stumbled in through their front door after the bus ride from his school to find his father sitting in one of their wooden dining chairs, eyes cast downwards to stare at the ground. He was unusually silent as Magnus set down his things near the doorway, but he wasn’t for long. He seized Magnus by the collar of his school uniform with a wordless cry, yanking on it so hard that he almost fell to the ground and would have if not for the fact that his father was holding up. He dragged Magnus across the house and down the hallway, legs dragging the floor as he struggled to regain his footing and slammed him into the bathroom door, splitting his lip open. The coppery taste of blood soon filled his mouth as he tried to blink away the stars swimming in his vision. He was still pressed with his cheek against the door as he heard the sound of the bath water running.

His body was limp, and when his father stopped pressing him against the door he collapsed in a heap on the ground, trying to shake away the blur to his vision with no success. The few minutes that passed, despite people saying that moments like these seemed to last hours or days or years, felt like seconds. The moment felt too brief and the last breaths were too fleeting. Before he had time to think, his head was submerged in the water of the bathtub, dark hair floating and splayed out. He could feel his father’s hand holding him down by the back of his neck. He tried to hold his breath as he thrashed around. He kicked at his father, feeling dull pricks of pain as he slapped Magnus across the face.

He gasped for air, only to get a mouthful of water and the coppery taste of blood on his tongue. The edges of what little he could see in the water were turning to black as he tried to pull himself up and out of the water, but the strength and willingness to fight that he had before was almost gone.

Then, the darkness that had begun to fill his vision turned into blinding, white light that seemed to come from every direction. Maybe, he thought, this was what came with death. Bright light and numbness. It was peaceful enough, maybe boring after an eternity or so of it. Those thoughts were quickly yanked away when he noticed blurry figures in front of him, what sounded like distant shouting, and a sharp pain in his chest as if he had been stabbed repeatedly with needles.

“Magnus!” He tried to identify the source of the voice but failed to. “Magnus, are you okay?” They were unfamiliar, but it sounded as if they were panicking. He inclined his head in the direction was coming from and opened his mouth to say something before the world became, once again, dark and silent.

* * *

New foster homes were horrible in general even if the family was okay. Magnus had to adjust to a new family with different rules, expectations, and habits than his last one. He had to figure out if they were going to try to drag him along to church. He had to remember to let them know that he had a shellfish allergy before they tried to cook shrimp stir fry or something equally horrifying. He had to worry about whether they would be _okay_ at all, or if they’d be bitter, homophobic, or even just in the program for the check they got every month that they put a roof over Magnus’ head and kept him from dropping dead.

So when he ceased to have a social worker breathing down his neck in favor of transferring him off to the next foster home a city away with his bag that held the sparse belongings he carried from home to home, he wasn’t exactly thrilled. He hated his social worker, but at least he knew her.

He watched American dream houses with white picket fences from the car window, perfectly manicured flower beds becoming a blur. His social worker turned the corner onto a long driveway where he could see carefully trimmed rose bushes lining the sides of the house and a welcome mat by the front door. It was the house in every sitcom ever aired. There were even the required perfect neighbours next door from the looks of it. He could see two teenage boys lying beside each other, seemingly having a serious conversation, in the equally perfect yard of one house. The other house had the cliche plastic swing set for children in the front yard surrounded by weeds that children mistook for flowers.

“I’ve got it,” he said before she could move to help him as he grabbed his bag and shrugged on his jacket, chin tilted high as he stepped out of the car. She trailed close behind, a clipboard with papers haphazardly clipped to it. Out of the house came a couple with wide smiles on their faces, rushing over to meet Magnus once he was halfway to the front door.

“You must be Magnus!” the woman with greying roots exclaimed, smile wide and eyes bright as she approached him. Her arms were outstretched as if she expected him to throw himself at her in tears, sobbing about how he had never felt so loved as he did after this one sentence he heard from her.

He hated these sorts of families.

She had his file before now even though he could spot his social worker (Maria was her name) hand over a file filled with papers about anything and everything she knew about Magnus, including his allergies and the story of how his father was currently residing in the Otisville Correctional Facility and all the details they had as to why.

He hated his file. Even the photo of him included in it was terrible, but they always caught him with a camera at the worst possible times.

“That would be me,” he confirmed, trying to politely step away from her and her far too personal way of greeting him.

She finally let go of him to clasp her hands together and look him over as if she couldn’t believe that he was there, right in front of her. She acted like he was much more than a teenager who had moved on from too many homes and had found no one willing to sign his adoption papers. “I’m Cynthia, and this is my husband Mark,” she said, pointing over to where her husband was speaking in a hushed voice as he signed papers that were stuck to the clipboard. “We’re so happy that you’re finally here. How about I bring you inside to see your room?” She didn’t wait for an answer before she was walking back up the driveway to the front door of the house.

Seeing as he could either be polite and follow her or stay where he was with Mark, he decided that going to see his room was a very nice idea indeed.

The house was neat and looked like it had come straight out of a _Home & Garden _magazine, and he could even spot a few copies of it on the counter in the kitchen. He didn’t stick around to observe it all for long before she was walking up the stairs and leading him upstairs and into a nice sized bedroom with a window with a view of the house next door and a window seat. The room was relatively bare besides a twin sized bed, dresser, and a slightly beat up looking vanity in the corner.

Cynthia placed a hand on his shoulder, looking up at him with a sad smile. “I know it isn’t much, but we thought we would let you decorate it however you wanted. We didn’t know what you liked.”

It was a nice gesture truly, and even Magnus had a heart. He opened his mouth to say thank you when his social worker came barging into the room, her heels clicking against the wooden floors. “Magnus, all of the papers have been signed, so I’m leaving now. You know how to contact me if necessary.” She turned to Cynthia, a perfectly plastic smile on her face as she passed over what looked like a business card. “Mrs. Ashby, if you ever need anything, don’t hesitate to call.” She gave Magnus a sharp look before she turned around to make her way down the staircase.

Silence fell for maybe a minute, maybe two, before she spoke up, “I’ll leave you to unpack and get settled in. Mark can take you into town tomorrow if you’d like to pick up some new clothes and a few things for your room. You know, to make it your own.” She let out an almost inaudible sigh as she looked around the room, smiling once again at him.

“That would be nice,” he replied politely, taking a seat on the edge of the bed. “Thank you, Cynthia.”

She nodded and walked to the doorway. “Tell us if you need anything,” she told him and once he nodded she was off down the stairs, shutting the door behind her.

Magnus sat in silence before he groaned loudly and fell back on the bed, his legs hanging off the side. Homes with nice foster parents were always the worst. He felt like he owed them to not screw up which he would inevitably do. It wasn’t that he thought he was a screw up or anything. He just had a tendency to do screwed up things and make nice people want to get far away from him, and, yeah, it sucked. He was used to it though.

He let himself fall to the ground and opened his bag to unpack his things in yet another new place to call home.


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A look into Alec's perspective.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look who's back almost a year later. I'm ashamed. Forgive me.

When  Alec Lightwood  was 15, he  was diagnosed with depression.

It  was Isabelle’s fault.

She was the one who told their parents she was afraid Alec wasn’t coping well, that he had lost interest in things he had done before and was eating less. She prattled on about other things she noticed over dinner, but Alec was too shocked to properly listen to what she was saying. She had no room to talk about him not coping well when none of them were. His parents were hardly around, always finding some excuse to work late or run errands. Jace went to a party at least twice a week, and Alec had grown used to him returning home drunk and tripping over his own feet. Isabelle was constantly bringing back boys who never stayed around long enough for her to remember their names the next morning.

No one said a word about those things.

His family, being the hypocrites they are, called a therapist to make him an appointment.

So there he was with Dr. Roland, sinking back in a plush chair with his glasses falling down the bridge of his nose to where he was looking at her over the rims of them as she sat in front of him with a clipboard, asking him questions he had no desire to answer. She was invasive and acted calmer than she should, and she wanted to know just how did Alec _feel_ about his brother’s death. How did knowing his nine year old brother died make him feel?

He told her to fuck off.

It was hardly fair that Alec was the only one in the entire family who had had to talk to a shrink, and talking about it didn’t help him to cope. It only made it worse, made him want to pull his hair out and go to sleep and never wake up again.

Dr. Roland said that the fact that he felt like that was a clear sign that he was, in fact, not mentally healthy.

He was though. It was normal for him to feel like this. He was grieving. He just didn’t have an escape that the rest of his family had managed to find. Max’s memory deserved to be remembered, not pushed to the side in favor of sex, alcohol, and work. Even if he wanted to, he didn’t think he could. Everything seemed to remind him of Max. The smell of alcohol and Jace’s breath and the sound of Isabelle in her room with a nameless boy through the thin wall that separated their bedrooms just reminded him of the fact that there were reasons those things were there. His parents’ absence from the dinner table just made the other empty chair all the more noticeable. 

The fact that he was no longer there stood out to Alec in a way that made it impossible to push the memories of him to the side. He just… He couldn’t. 

She diagnosed him with depression after the third week of their sessions, and when he passed on the news his mother disappeared to her room with tears in her eyes to let Isabelle chase after her to offer her whatever sort of comfort  that she  could . 

A slip of paper with looping letters written in bright blue ink was shoved into his hands before Dr. Roland allowed him to walk out the door. Written on it was the prescription he was supposed to bring to the pharmacy to get his own little bottle of antidepressants, pills that were supposed to make him happy, maybe make him forget even if only briefly about his brother’s death. That way he could focus on other things. Friends. Girls. School. Things that his family wanted him to care about.

* * *

 

Jace was what Alec imagined angels looked like if they existed, and he’d like to believe that they did. Jace was gold in every way that he could be, his hair, his eyes, his smile. He looked as if he had stepped out of the gates of Heaven just the day before, and even though Alec knew he hadn’t, he had to remind himself of that on occasion.

Here, outside, with the sun shining on his face as they laid out beside each other in the grass of the front yard, he reminded Alec of an angel more than any da Vinci painting could. Jace propped himself up on his elbows with his head tilted slightly back to where his hair fell back and away from his eyes. The corners of his mouth turned upwards in a lazy smile as he reached to push Alec’s glasses up the bridge of his nose and straighten them. “Izzy is worried about you,” he commented casually, hand falling back to his side. There was a glint of something in his eyes that almost looked like concern, but it disappeared so quickly that Alec was rather certain that he’d imagined it. After all, what did Jace have to be _concerned_ about with Alec? 

“She shouldn’t be,”  Alec said, closing  his eyes to avoid looking at both  the sun and  Jace . He  was n’t sure which one  was more annoyingly bright. At least  the sun didn’t talk.

“ _ I’m  _ worried about you.”

He knew  that Alec didn’t want to hear  that .  Izzy being worried about him  was a given. At this point, it  was an accepted part of his life. Odds  were , he  could get his shit together and have his life sorted out, and she would still find a reason to worry. He  could n’t blame her though. So far, whenever everything seemed finally okay with him, it turned out to be a false alarm. 

It wasn’t fair to her for him to drag her along through the disaster that was his life falling apart. It was easy to say that he’d keep her uninvolved but difficult to actually follow through with the claim despite his best efforts. He didn’t have the same guilt about Jace normally. Jace didn’t worry, so Alec didn’t need to try to keep him from doing just that. 

“Well,” Alec started as he sat up in the grass, knees pulled up to his chest and his arms wrapped tightly around his legs. “You shouldn’t. You know that you shouldn’t.”

“Because you know all about what I should and shouldn’t do.”

“I seem to know better than you do at least.”

Alec was then on his feet, brushing off the grass and dirt that had made it onto his jeans. Despite his affinity for it, he didn’t enjoy arguing and certainly not with Jace. 

“Come on, Alec. You can’t just run away when I say something you don’t like.”

Alec snorted at that, already started to head towards the door of the house, watching a car pull up in the driveway of the Ashbys next door. Probably Cynthia’s sister coming to visit. She seemed to make her way over to talk about how tall Isabelle and Alec were every other week. She’d only come around for Max before, but habits were hard to break and so every visit, she came by to the Lightwoods without fail. 

“I’m not running. I’m taking a leisurely stroll. You’re the athletic one, not me.”

“Shut up with your fucking technicalities.”

No reply came from Alec at that, but he sighed and slammed the door in Jace’s face as he started to rush up to his bedroom where he could lock the door and stay alone until Isabelle, the only person who ever remembered where the key to the lock was, came home which should buy him an hour or two. She had cheer practice if the calendar hung on his wall was reliable.

His room hadn’t changed (much at least) in years. The powder blue walls and dark grey sheets that adorned his bed were constants in his life, and the simple picture frames hung above his desk in a neat row were the closest things to change in the room as Isabelle occasionally exchanged one picture for another without his notice. Thin curtains had been pushed away from the window panes, presumably by his mother, and as he went to shut them again to keep Jace from attempting to peer in at what Alec was doing, he caught a glimpse of someone making their way out of the car that looked like a young boy with dark hair, definitely not Cynthia’s sister. 

Maybe a nephew or cousin had come to visit. They were sociable people, the Ashbys. It wouldn’t surprise him. They possessed the warmth that the Lightwoods and almost every other family on their street seemed to lack. 

Alec liked to think that at least, that he wasn’t the one that just had a fucked up family. It was easier to believe that secrets and strife lurked behind every closed and curtained window around him. He didn’t want to be the odd one out.

There were some things that helped. Therapy did in its own way even if he hated every visit. Books helped. Jace helped more often than not.

“Alec? If you don’t open the door, I’m calling Izzy.”

It was a cheap threat and the simple fact that Jace was willing to make it made Alec want to keep the door firmly shut. 

“You know I’m not supposed to let you sulk in your room alone like this. It’s dangerous.”

_ Dangerous _ . Of course it was  _ dangerous _ . 

It wasn’t as if Alec was no longer a child, like he was  _ sixteen fucking years old _ . Older than Jace and Isabelle and almost everyone but his parents who seemed to fuss over him. 

“Whatever,” Alec finally bit out, opening the door to his bedroom to allow Jace to step through but not before he had collapsed back onto his bed with his face buried in his pillow and hair starting to curl slightly. “I just want to be left alone.” His voice was muffled, hard to understand with the fabric covering his mouth. 

Jace sighed, didn’t say anything for once which was enough to set Alec on edge even before he sat beside him and started tracing his fingers over Alec’s back. 

“I just want to be left alone,” he repeated for good measure, eyes closing before he rolled over onto his back to avoid feeling Jace’s fingers through the thin fabric of his shirt. This didn’t seem to deter him, only causing him to move to his arms, covered by the thick fabric of his sweater. 

Jace laid beside him eventually, face buried in his shoulder. “You’re my best friend, my brother. I couldn’t handle it if you left me, you know?”

Jace might have had the face of an angel, but Alec knew he could lie with the best of them. His tongue was coated with sugar with every words that spilled from his mouth. It was prone to turn sour, but he could construct cathedrals with a few well placed phrases and smiles. He’d seen him do it with teachers and parents and well-meaning shop owners. He’d heard him to confess to the talent.

But Alec would still fall to his knees for it and sing whatever words Jace wanted to hear.

“I know. I’m just having an of day. I’m fine.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave your thoughts in the comments and subscribe to get notified when I post the next chapter (hopefully not a year later)

**Author's Note:**

> So this is my first multichaptered fanfic in years. Also the first in this fandom. I'll need luck. I haven't even written fanfiction at all since October 2014.
> 
> Tell me what you think if you'd like.


End file.
